Busted out the Old Notebook.

Pages 106-115, 4/25/07-4/28/07

[loving mania, questioning existence, productivity, loving you, but fearing success]

Cloud in my head and a dam in my heart.
I apologize.
Cursing this lack of belief that you logically justify.
One conversation too many spent talking about size.
Placing ourselves in relation to stars in the skies.

But the river and its calming effect
Where we forfeit our intellect
And admit insignificance

Lasting impression of honesty I can't deny
Tries to convince me three months is a very long time.
All of the bitter to take for a season of bliss.
I fear the sidewalk's end. You fear the walk that we'll miss.

But your hand and its calming effect
And how we effortlessly connect
You give me the strength to accept I'll never know.

In case if you missed it, my heart's had a big recent weight gain
A month and a few conversations and nothing's the same
Some great reaction to music and coffee and rain
So I'll just try to optimize pleasure and minimize pain

But your songs and their calming effect
As I'm hearing your heart reflect
It puts things in retrospect and I know
We can't choose how high we will grow
But we choose all the people we know
And we pick out the places we go to ensure that we're happy one day.

And that's all that I want for you anyway.

[that's still all I want for you. you chose me. you picked here. let's be happy.]

Floating Figurines

wake me darling
hold my heart
cause life is getting shorter
we get older
time and space mean less now
just two vessels wind

we'll be floating figurines
permanently caught inside a weightless dream

waving fondly
where our bodies lie
we're bound by nothing
spirit's drawn to light
we're manifesting
perfect resting sleep

we'll be floating figurines
permanently caught inside a weightless dream

hold my body while we pass the time

time is flying by

Wildflowers

I can hear the hemisphere across the world calling out my name.
I can feel the tears fall from the clouds as they are mourning my refrain.
Begging for a piece of liberation.
Ready to go anywhere, do anything for any inspiration.

Now it's three hours before I hitch a ride to anywhere but here.
If wildflowers scatter happily, then what have I to fear?
So long, farewell.
I'm as good as gone.
But hold on.
Something's holding me down.

If history could hold me to this solid twenty-mile block of ground,
The mystery of what is on the flip side wouldn't follow me around.
River moves, says, "Come with me to meet the ocean."
The smoke is rising farther in the distance giving me the notion
Of life.

Now it's three hours before I hitch a ride to anywhere but here.
If wildflowers scatter happily, then what have I to fear?
So long, farewell.
I'm as good as gone.
But hold on.
Something's holding me down.

Who am I kidding? All my dreams were all in vain.
I can't turn and walk away when you're here calling out my name.
I should have known that all along you were the one
Cause every time I'd leave, you'd turn toward my direction and you'd run.
Still, the smoke is rising.
Still, I'm fantasizing.
Think I finally know
The key to finally letting go.

Now it's three hours before I hitch a ride to anywhere but here
If wildflowers scatter happily, then what have I to fear?
So long, farewell. I'm as good as gone.
And this time, nothing's holding me down
Cause you're coming along.

Hiatus.

After eight months of being "close", I can now honestly say without stretching the truth, I am actually close to finishing my project. My to do list consists of:

1) One mandolin track
2) One guitar track
3) Two vocal tracks
4) One more entire song
5) Final Mixing/Mastering
6) Making the final choice on album art
6) Sending it out to get it duplicated
7) Throwing a long awaited CD release party
8) Feeling good about my accomplishments

On a side note, I apologize if I ever offended anyone with being distastefully indie and/or ridiculous.

The Iron Heart String

You and I both know
You're more than your health and the way you respond to drugs
And although sometimes you forget
I never will

When they take over your body
You touch my face and engulf me in a sea of utmost affection,
Apologizing for not always being able to show
Your relentless love

When they abandon you
You lay in a desolate pool of stale emotion
Yet distantly hold me through an iron heart string, otherwise known as Brahman
Apologizing for not always being able to show
Your relentless love

There is no shame in hindering the bliss
To strengthen the iron heart string
To get stronger
The fibers first must tear

Veiling the honest trials that are Ours
Is to remove the opportunity to share it all
On sunny days, we will still swim the sea of utmost affection
And even when the sea becomes a desolate pool
The iron heart string that connects me to you
Will still be

Small World? Or is God Just Running Out of Faces (and Same Faces/Same Glasses Combinations)?

I'm sitting in a Nashville Panera staring at this guy who look strikingly similar to "Mr. Lemonade No Ice British Lisp" from Denny's. If, from here, I didn't see ice in his glass, I wouldn't know any better.

Being completely sure of something for once is so completely wonderful.

"There's so much love I want to cry."

Idealism.

"I would like to find a school that teaches only philosophy and history, and is run out of a house in the mountains that you can only get to by hiking miles through thick forests."

-Nathan Ponzar

Despite it all, I'm mostly happy.

I'm floating again. Too far from this. Too far from that. Waiting only on time itself.

This is my public vow to not worry so much. To constantly pursue what could be better for the future, but never at the expense of that which is already wonderful right now.

Over-caffeinated, tranced, and sitting only at fifty-one percent. [but it's better than forty-nine]

My favorite spot [here] is the place where the grandiosity of the city and the lake meet on a quiet edge of a dock.

And I like Nashville now. I like living by the highest point of the city. I like being able to have the word "engineering" in my major and being a red songwriter in a class filled with green songwriters. I like bike paths and the twenty-four hour coffeeshop with all the eccentric people. I like sitting around the smoke pit on a thursday night and sharing a road with Ben Folds. I like the wizard man from circle k and living in thinner air. I like it. Just like I knew I would, despite all the times I said I wouldn't.

Peace, relatively.

Life as a Continuous, Radical Stream of Events

"Throughout history, attempts have been made to contain those experiences which happen at the end of the limit where the mind is vulnerable... Those moments, those what you might call liminal, limit, frontier, edge zone experiences are actually now becoming the norm... And when we are obviously entered into that mode, you can see a radical subjectivity, radical attunement to individuality, uniqueness to that which the mind is, opens itself to a vast objectivity... The moment is not just a passing empty nothing, yet - and this is the way in which these secret passages happen - yes, it's empty with such fullness that the great moment, the great life of the universe, is pulsating in it. And each one, each object, each place, each act leaves a mark. And that story is singular. But, in fact, it's story after story."

-The calm black man who makes sense to me, Waking Life

Thus Begins the Apocalypse.

I can't believe I did it.

Haven't you heard? October is the new January.

And This is Only the Beginning

I can't get over those mountains.
The ones that stand between where I am and where I'm going.
Suspended on [a different] sidewalk.
With the same friend.
Straddling the border between where I must be and where I want to be.
Where the air is thin
And you can't help but
Laugh at everything.

The things that matter
To me.
Not to them.

To make a decision, you don't have to be completely sure.
.:EDIT:.Just more sure than the alternative.:Edit:.
Or nothing would get done.
Sometimes, all you can do is
Close your eyes and leap.

Well baby, this is it.
I'm jumping over the mountains.

Sharing Cigars, Overlooking the Cumberland...

It was brought to my attention:

The Western view of enligthenment is the fulfillment of every desire.
The Eastern view of enlightenment is the elimination of every desire.

I think I understand where we went wrong.

Resisting the Wind

Come.
Come with me now
To a dying, strange, and broken down town.
Down town.

I know if I go, then I'll never think of you again.
I know if I don't, then I'd just be resisting the wind.
And I can't rightly stay.

Now all we see of the heavens, turning
Are great balls ironically burning, burning
Stuck in our last destination.

I've defeated cars
But I'm bound
bound
bound
bound
bound
bound
bound

I know if I go, then I'll never think of you again.
I know if I don't then I'd just be resisting the wind.

Now I'm alone and I'm waiting.
Silently my heart is aching, aching.
Every last piece of me breaking, breaking down.
Down.
Down.

Turning.

The earth is turning, always turning as we go
In fact we're turning as we're turning being turned. Turned around.
We're all so tightly wound
We don't know where we're bound

Remember when the world was small?
The size of your neighborhood and Florida.
Shamelessly dancing down the hall
To records that were picked out by your mother.

And we wait around for answers like the answer's bound to come
But no one ever promised us we'd figure it all out
And now it's cloudy. Can't see the answers in the stars.
And I got clumsy. Dropped and broke my crystal ball.

Remember when the world was small?
The size of your neighborhood and Florida.
Shamelessly dancing down the hall
To records that were picked out by your mother.

Now Mother cries when you confess the invalidity in your white dress.
You just wanted love.
Like people go without goodbyes like people come, but we don't welcome them.
Who is there to blame?
For all the world's unhappy people living out there calls
Behind isolated fortresses made out of crumbling walls.

Remember when the world was as small?
The size of your neighborhood and Florida.
Shamelessly dancing down the hall
To records that were picked out by your mother.

I Did It Again

!!!

People go without goodbye like people come without a hi.

We are here
      For a long time. For forever.
Wake up, Child!
      Make a promise to your mother.

            [Go.....]

Know I fear
      For the others. For the others.
"You can't force
      Me to love her. Me to love her."

            [No.....]

Colored faces. Everyone.
      I will speak on behalf of you
      And walk a mile or two in your shoes.

            [We shall.....]

We shall conglomerate
      and mix around
      and procreate

Harboring your pain
      Like it's all you have to show
      For a life filled with hate

Aren't you tired?
Aren't you tired?
Aren't you tired?

You're making me tired just watching you.

We are here
      For a long time. For forever.

            [Go.....]

Belmont sings Chicagoland in harmony.

She says, "I don't really dream. I just write songs in my sleep."

I've defeated cars, but I'm bound to this street.
It's a perfect day, but I think I'd rather just sleep.

I grew a pair of wings, but I think I'd rather walk.
I've got a lot to say, but I'd rather not talk [about it].

I'm an optimist, but I'd rather sit and cry.
It's time to live it up, I think I'd rather just die [for now].

They all say they know, but they can't tell me why.
Skepticism falls and suddenly, it's like, "I think I know better."

He says, "I don't really dream. I just assume it's all reality."

And in a way, I guess it is.

Drinking Chocolate Milk Out of Coffee Mugs. Daily.

We rode bikes and talked about bigger things in Centennial Park. Mr. Puerto Rico is an excellent surfer, skateboarder, songwriter, and he was salutatorian of his class. He gives off this little cousin-like aura, but it's honest, so the company is still worth the while. He stripped down and ran through the fountain at Vanderbilt. I said, "Maybe next time."

On the way home, I made an ice cream stop at the gas station off of twenty-fourth and wedgewood.

"Spoon?"
"What?"
"I said, do you need a spoon, or are you going to lick it out of the container?"

She smiled and so did I.