Only in the misunderstanding of good intentions.
Sorry?
:-\
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Dancing shamelessly and completely behind the wheel.
Broke into Busch Wildlife. Ate sunflower seeds by a lake. Talked about music and philosophy. Got one tick each.
We were fixed to watch Waking Life, and instead, upon walking up the path to my front door, we simultaneously let out very large "AH" moans, signifying we had forgotten to pick up milk, soy milk, chocolate chips, whipping cream, and bisquick for the mother.
I sped [we really wanted to get back and watch that movie!], saw a cop, slowed down, watched him for a mile and a half through my side mirror [because my rearview mirror is non-existent], apparently was swirving because I was watching him out of my side mirror, and got pulled over in the Michael's parking lot. He was very nice and the experience was more pleasing than not. He also saved us two trips by informing us that both Dierbergs and Schnuck's were closed. Thank you officer. What a wonderful first "getting pulled over" experience.
I woke up to the sounds of many laughing middle-aged women above my bedroom. There had to be at least four or five of them. Walked upstairs. Nope. Just my mother and one friend.
Staring at the mic stand to which I attached my home-made pop filter. It's an embroidery hoop and a pair of tights with the legs still attached. Find something to smile about.
I have to be home tonight some time between 10 and 11. I don't know why. My mother won't tell me why. My friends don't know what I'm talking about. Aimee does, but she won't tell me what it means and she's out of town anyway. It's apparently a "surprise" that I'll "enjoy". I am baffled and terrified.
And on a final note. I have a conversation obligation tonight. I'm not sure what I want. I guess that makes "whatever happens" seem like "what was supposed to happen". So just go with it and find contentment with whatever the situation brings.
It's not so bad.
We were fixed to watch Waking Life, and instead, upon walking up the path to my front door, we simultaneously let out very large "AH" moans, signifying we had forgotten to pick up milk, soy milk, chocolate chips, whipping cream, and bisquick for the mother.
I sped [we really wanted to get back and watch that movie!], saw a cop, slowed down, watched him for a mile and a half through my side mirror [because my rearview mirror is non-existent], apparently was swirving because I was watching him out of my side mirror, and got pulled over in the Michael's parking lot. He was very nice and the experience was more pleasing than not. He also saved us two trips by informing us that both Dierbergs and Schnuck's were closed. Thank you officer. What a wonderful first "getting pulled over" experience.
I woke up to the sounds of many laughing middle-aged women above my bedroom. There had to be at least four or five of them. Walked upstairs. Nope. Just my mother and one friend.
Staring at the mic stand to which I attached my home-made pop filter. It's an embroidery hoop and a pair of tights with the legs still attached. Find something to smile about.
I have to be home tonight some time between 10 and 11. I don't know why. My mother won't tell me why. My friends don't know what I'm talking about. Aimee does, but she won't tell me what it means and she's out of town anyway. It's apparently a "surprise" that I'll "enjoy". I am baffled and terrified.
And on a final note. I have a conversation obligation tonight. I'm not sure what I want. I guess that makes "whatever happens" seem like "what was supposed to happen". So just go with it and find contentment with whatever the situation brings.
It's not so bad.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
My stomach turns thinking of this year in retrospect. Or it could be the pizza.
I met a fifty-six year old man last night named Pat while sitting outside Picasso's working out recording logistics. We sat on the edge of the store next door and talked for four and a half hours.
Four and a half hours.
Sometimes I forget the feeling of honesty and shamelessness that comes with openness toward strangers. Then some stranger comes up and asks you want you're working on. You say songs. Then you compare calluses. Etcetera.
The night is a blur, but I remember philosophical conversations, observing drunk people, talk of where his life as a musician has taken him, bouncing positive energy back and forth [and acknowledging the act of doing so], his ex-wife, mushroms in a cave, the potential of Mohammad and Jesus being one and the same, a "protective energy shield" he put around me, and us simultaneously saying, "That's not spirituality."
Some things.
Four and a half hours.
Sometimes I forget the feeling of honesty and shamelessness that comes with openness toward strangers. Then some stranger comes up and asks you want you're working on. You say songs. Then you compare calluses. Etcetera.
The night is a blur, but I remember philosophical conversations, observing drunk people, talk of where his life as a musician has taken him, bouncing positive energy back and forth [and acknowledging the act of doing so], his ex-wife, mushroms in a cave, the potential of Mohammad and Jesus being one and the same, a "protective energy shield" he put around me, and us simultaneously saying, "That's not spirituality."
Some things.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Still :-]
Today, I'm feeling upward. That could be due to my general ability to see optimistically or to simple luck with internal chemicals, but I choose to attribute it to my new pair of shoes.
I made friends with the lady at the mall who stops you to polish one nail and rub lotion on your hands. She had a beautiful name that I cannot remember. I explained how I would love to support her commission-based income, but simply could not because my guitarist hands could not sacrifice their armor for silky smoothness. She understood. We exchanged myspace names. The rest is history.
Recording is nothing like songwriting, but equally as important in the creation process of music. I'm catching on much faster than I thought I would and as of about an hour ago, I decided that pro tools is actually not out of my league. Who new manuals actually make learning programs easier?
I'm moving in three weeks. I have:
things to buy
/slash/
packing to do
/slash/
a float trip to go on
/slash/
a job to quit
/slash/
relationships to mend
/slash/
recording to do
/slash/
changes to make
...
I made friends with the lady at the mall who stops you to polish one nail and rub lotion on your hands. She had a beautiful name that I cannot remember. I explained how I would love to support her commission-based income, but simply could not because my guitarist hands could not sacrifice their armor for silky smoothness. She understood. We exchanged myspace names. The rest is history.
Recording is nothing like songwriting, but equally as important in the creation process of music. I'm catching on much faster than I thought I would and as of about an hour ago, I decided that pro tools is actually not out of my league. Who new manuals actually make learning programs easier?
I'm moving in three weeks. I have:
things to buy
/slash/
packing to do
/slash/
a float trip to go on
/slash/
a job to quit
/slash/
relationships to mend
/slash/
recording to do
/slash/
changes to make
...
Saturday, July 21, 2007
My heart does a simultaneous hop and cry.
[listening to dates with fate]
Takes me back...
He hates it. Thinks it doesn't meet what he's potentially capable of.
I love it. Proves that you can still impact people in incredible ways despite imperfections. Incredible ways.
All he wanted was to know he was able to impact someone in a life-changing way with his music. Well there you go. [Sorry if I can't convince you so. Sorry if hearing you did wasn't as satisfying as you thought it would be.]
"It's always better to hope for something better than to know that it's not coming your way at all."
Takes me back...
He hates it. Thinks it doesn't meet what he's potentially capable of.
I love it. Proves that you can still impact people in incredible ways despite imperfections. Incredible ways.
All he wanted was to know he was able to impact someone in a life-changing way with his music. Well there you go. [Sorry if I can't convince you so. Sorry if hearing you did wasn't as satisfying as you thought it would be.]
"It's always better to hope for something better than to know that it's not coming your way at all."
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Stupid being human.
[tonight is a double post night]
I hold high aspirations and I have a huge spirit toward life. I play up independence, free thought, honesty, and discomfort.
And then I have his need to cling to other people who do the same.
Aimee talks about the need for what she calls "community." I would like to believe that it is an innate surface need that can be overridden, but I know that is not the case.
"I've got a body I'm bound to,
an overweight heart,
my feet in the ground,
and a planet I can't quite figure out."
I hold high aspirations and I have a huge spirit toward life. I play up independence, free thought, honesty, and discomfort.
And then I have his need to cling to other people who do the same.
Aimee talks about the need for what she calls "community." I would like to believe that it is an innate surface need that can be overridden, but I know that is not the case.
"I've got a body I'm bound to,
an overweight heart,
my feet in the ground,
and a planet I can't quite figure out."
I know that I wrote this. It's in my notebook and in my handwriting, but I do not remember it.
listening to [dark side of the moon]
just watched [a waking life]
feeling [overwhelmed with a sense of being and reality]
Heh. Reality.
So many keys. Everyone thinks they hold the one that will open the door. Assuming there is a key.
Reaching a place where there is no more throwing out of possibilities. Only adding to the old.
Nathan decided [this week] to become a college philosophy professor. I couldn't think of a more suitable profession. I hope he doesn't change his mind about this like he does with everything else.
I feel an overwhelming drive to create. Kind of like January, but a little less want and a little more need. And I'm down a key. Assuming there is a key.
I'm not really identifying with anything right now. Or rather, I'm identifying with absolutely everything, so I'm a messy conglomeration of all these pieces that typically stand alone.
"Looking back, the only thing that really mattered was connecting with people."
I appologize for the incoherency and the stream-of-consciouness naure of his post, but it's exactly how I feel.
just watched [a waking life]
feeling [overwhelmed with a sense of being and reality]
Heh. Reality.
So many keys. Everyone thinks they hold the one that will open the door. Assuming there is a key.
Reaching a place where there is no more throwing out of possibilities. Only adding to the old.
Nathan decided [this week] to become a college philosophy professor. I couldn't think of a more suitable profession. I hope he doesn't change his mind about this like he does with everything else.
I feel an overwhelming drive to create. Kind of like January, but a little less want and a little more need. And I'm down a key. Assuming there is a key.
I'm not really identifying with anything right now. Or rather, I'm identifying with absolutely everything, so I'm a messy conglomeration of all these pieces that typically stand alone.
"Looking back, the only thing that really mattered was connecting with people."
I appologize for the incoherency and the stream-of-consciouness naure of his post, but it's exactly how I feel.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Textiles, Fields, and Mississippi Love [a song]
To the left of the Mississippi stream
With a life that's a lot more like a dream
In a field that you like to call "your place"
Where you feel undeserving of the grace
From a love and a chance you were so luckily given
On a swim through a yarn and textile sea
You forgot and you over steeped your tea
Stocking up, making scarves in mid July
For the stranger you're out to satisfy
Who are cold and are searching for a piece of love
Honey, you don't see why love should change between friend and romance
Bicycles and clover chains and not needing music to dance
Mountains sing your lullaby
In the cold when you cut off all your hair
And our grandmother said you didn't care
Proved her wrong along Appalachian way
When you gave your ability to play
To a man who was aching for a song-filled trail
Honey, I don't see why you should lie on the driveway and cry
Wishing on the other side. You wait for the day that you die.
Then come better times.
With a life that's a lot more like a dream
In a field that you like to call "your place"
Where you feel undeserving of the grace
From a love and a chance you were so luckily given
On a swim through a yarn and textile sea
You forgot and you over steeped your tea
Stocking up, making scarves in mid July
For the stranger you're out to satisfy
Who are cold and are searching for a piece of love
Honey, you don't see why love should change between friend and romance
Bicycles and clover chains and not needing music to dance
Mountains sing your lullaby
In the cold when you cut off all your hair
And our grandmother said you didn't care
Proved her wrong along Appalachian way
When you gave your ability to play
To a man who was aching for a song-filled trail
Honey, I don't see why you should lie on the driveway and cry
Wishing on the other side. You wait for the day that you die.
Then come better times.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
My insides are sad.
I'm sitting two steps below the middle line [a ponzarism].
There are few things that are very good in life. Friendships with love and conversations and connections. Writing songs. Rivers. Sisters. Lying on the driveway staring at the stars. The hope of something better. The hope that things will be the way they used to be. "And above all else, love."
my heart is heavy.
I am sorry.
Cardboard.
Filetsr
and we take it for granted
and we let it go
and we fill ourselves with regret
but it is not there for us to hold.
it is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
I speak of love often. Perhaps because I do not fully understand it and it baffles me.
I think I basically love everyone. I'm probably wrong. And if I am, which is most definitely inevitable, I can still whole-heartedly account for seven individuals.
Seven.
Seven in eighteen and a half years.
and we take it for granted
and we let it go
and we fill ourselves with regret
but it is not there for us to hold.
it is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
A few months ago, I told one of my seven that I have a hard time distinguishing between "friend love" and "romantic love". It's true. It continues to be true. It's just... love.
love.
love.
love.
The hope for something better is a glutton. And the selfishness of possibility jeopardizes my precious "one every two years and eight months". And suddenly, one of the few truly good things in life is not good.
Perhaps nothing is good.
And perhaps nothing is bad.
Everything just is.
That's what one of my seven says.
I told Aimee I loved her the most.
She says she doesn't believe me.
I am crying.
and we take it for granted
and we let it go
and we fill ourselves with regret
but it is not there for us to hold
it is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
[what have I done?]
There are few things that are very good in life. Friendships with love and conversations and connections. Writing songs. Rivers. Sisters. Lying on the driveway staring at the stars. The hope of something better. The hope that things will be the way they used to be. "And above all else, love."
my heart is heavy.
I am sorry.
Cardboard.
Filetsr
and we take it for granted
and we let it go
and we fill ourselves with regret
but it is not there for us to hold.
it is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
I speak of love often. Perhaps because I do not fully understand it and it baffles me.
I think I basically love everyone. I'm probably wrong. And if I am, which is most definitely inevitable, I can still whole-heartedly account for seven individuals.
Seven.
Seven in eighteen and a half years.
and we take it for granted
and we let it go
and we fill ourselves with regret
but it is not there for us to hold.
it is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
A few months ago, I told one of my seven that I have a hard time distinguishing between "friend love" and "romantic love". It's true. It continues to be true. It's just... love.
love.
love.
love.
The hope for something better is a glutton. And the selfishness of possibility jeopardizes my precious "one every two years and eight months". And suddenly, one of the few truly good things in life is not good.
Perhaps nothing is good.
And perhaps nothing is bad.
Everything just is.
That's what one of my seven says.
I told Aimee I loved her the most.
She says she doesn't believe me.
I am crying.
and we take it for granted
and we let it go
and we fill ourselves with regret
but it is not there for us to hold
it is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
[what have I done?]
Friday, July 6, 2007
Follow or Become the Line Leader
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
I'm ready. I have to go.
I can't be
I can't be
I can't be the one you know.
I'm trying
I'm trying
I'm trying to comprehend.
I need you
I need you
I need you to help me stand.
Speak of love like a catalyst and
Change is a piece that should never be missed and you
Wish on planes and pretend you know that
Things will get better as you go.
Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me lose what I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I love you so.
Speak of love like a catalyst and
Change is a piece that should never be missed and you
Wish on planes and pretend you know that
Things will get better as you go.
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see the reasons the why.
Forgive me.
Forgive me.
Forgive me. I've tried and tried.
Come quickly
Come quickly
Come quickly into the glow.
And lead me
And lead me
And lead me through vertigo.
I'm ready.
I'm ready. I have to go.
I can't be
I can't be
I can't be the one you know.
I'm trying
I'm trying
I'm trying to comprehend.
I need you
I need you
I need you to help me stand.
Speak of love like a catalyst and
Change is a piece that should never be missed and you
Wish on planes and pretend you know that
Things will get better as you go.
Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me lose what I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I love you so.
Speak of love like a catalyst and
Change is a piece that should never be missed and you
Wish on planes and pretend you know that
Things will get better as you go.
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see the reasons the why.
Forgive me.
Forgive me.
Forgive me. I've tried and tried.
Come quickly
Come quickly
Come quickly into the glow.
And lead me
And lead me
And lead me through vertigo.
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